EGO AND SOUL (Realizations from the depth of being)

Well, I am in the mood to write, u know, this feeling which you get once in a while and there is an inspiration to let your intellect speak. It improves my understanding and I really enjoy reading it after it's completed. I'm sending this to you guys even though u might have no desire to read it, but then there is no harm in sending it, is there? U just might like, understand and appreciate it or just dismiss it as pure NONSENSE. So if you want to read it, go ahead or ignore it if you don't want to. It is all about the SOUL and EGO
So here goes…

First of all, I want to share some experiences of mine which I went through during my period of stay in Bombay. I had everything. I had great friends, loving parents, I had a killer place to stay in and in fact there is no better place in Bombay, I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted, everybody liked and respected me (though I did some crazy things which I regret), had no pressure to attend college, was passing my exams smoothly with good marks, nobody harmed me, I got to meet a whole bunch of people from all walks of life, I broadened my mind, explored areas which are forbidden by society(Just because society forbids it dosen;t means it s bad or harmful etc etc). So life should have been good and I had all the reasons to be happy. But NO, I was never happy, I was always depressed. I suffered from low self esteem, hated myself, was terribly confused, felt lonely, thought everything was unfair, hated life in general, thought I lacked brains, thought everybody was out to get me, was low on confidence, was paranoid, thought of myself to be useless and I was in a constant state of despair, worry, grief, jealousy, anger and thus totally on the negative side. At times, I was happy but again it never lasted and no matter how much I tried, told myself and looked for support from friends n other circumstances, I was still ruled by the negative and could not come out of it. All my 3 years in Bombay had a similar pattern to it and it seemed to me that my past had also been the same and I will always live life in that manner and I was completely frustrated and I reached a point where I could take no more and reached as low as one could get. I started indulging in SELF PITY and most of my thoughts and conversations were exactly that. I wanted people to feel sorry for me and I kept telling my friends about my pitiable condition (I really appreciate those who listened to my bullshit). N remember, I was a nice guy, never harmed anyone, never intruded anyone's space, never forced my will on anybody, never cheated, every1 trusted me, never stole, never made anybody feel bad or any of that crap and yet I hated myself. I thought of myself to be a bad human being, if not the worst. People wanted to know me and came to me seeking my company and I on the other hand thought I don't deserve to be friends with anyone and never opened up and conversed properly(besides a few with whom I felt really comfortable).

Since everything seemed to have failed me, I started seeking answers and in the process, read a whole lot of books on self improvement, spiritualism etc etc. But I still could never seem to understand and apply anything and I felt like a parrot repeating words without understanding what they hold true for. These books made me feel even worse and I lost total faith in everything and I condemned God and in fact felt like ending my life. All this were in my mind but to outsiders and my friends, I seemed okay and no one had a clue about what was going through my head. They knew I was confused but in the end it became so natural that every1 dismissed it and somehow I coped with it and I could still chill, drink, socialize (with great difficulty) and pretend to have a good time when I was not (Some, if not most of the times were great which I realized later and not at that point of time) So that's how my life was in Bombay, at times good but most of the times bad. I also resorted to meditation and it helped me to an extent but it was still the same. So WHY? WHY THIS ALL THE TIME? WHY? WHY? WHY? What did I do wrong? My head was so confused and so cluttered up that I could never form rational decisions and good judgments. Man, it felt terrible, I even started looking down at my friends and started avoiding them and in fact started blaming them and thought their influence played a part in my misery. Everywhere I looked, I could only see DIRT. I am however blessed with very good INTELLIGENCE n a sharp MIND(it became blunt due to the above factors) which is what saw me through and even though I thought I was STUPID, I did act rationally and knew my limits and took decisions which were actually good .

BUT then DESIRE is an emotion which can SEE you through when it is strong and is a burning one. I had exactly that. I had a strong desire to find ANSWERS and since I hated myself, I had even a stronger one to CHANGE. Exams got over and my college life came to an end. It was then that I slowly found answers and noticed myself changing. It seemed to be happening automatically. My head started clearing up and the darkness was slowly giving away to LIGHT. End of my Bombay chapter.

Well, so far, the above has been just my personal experiences and I must have bored you by elaborating so much about my life and what I went through. BUT it is VITAL for explaining what I have in mind. I found my ANSWER as to why I went through the above and that answer has helped me to change my life and be in the complete opposite of how I was being in Bombay. I will never be in that state of mind again, no matter what the circumstances or situations are. Circumstances 100 times worse then Bombay (don't think they were bad at all) will not result in my state of mind getting affected to that extent anymore. So what is the ANSWER? Any guesses? It is the EGO. Yes, the EGO was the cause of all my miseries and sufferings. I was ruled by the EGO. This EGO made my life hell.

So what is this EGO? This EGO is manipulative and is the cause and result of all sorts of negative emotions. Anger, hatred, jealousy, depression, greed, self pity, bondage, low self esteem etc are all causes of the EGO. This EGO is a mental image which one creates about himself/herself and all its actions are based on upholding this importance. This EGO is constantly looking for APPROVAL and this EGO wants to CONTROL. Any thing which does not satisfy it, results in wrong emotions and the mind is held hostage to it. This EGO was responsible for cluttering my mind. This EGO wants everything to be permanent, is attached to everything and looks at the outside world for satisfying itself. It is based on OBJECT referral and its happiness is based on OBJECTS. It lives constantly in FEAR and will go to any extent to keep the object of reference. It does not like CHANGE and wants the world to be in a particular way so that it GETS what it WANTS and it forces it's WILL on people and looks down at those who it thinks is below its dignity and looks up at those who it thinks is someone and has something. This EGO is the MASK. This EGO controls most of us. The mind is filled with EGO based thoughts. The EGO constantly JUDGES and COMPARES. So, I later realized that it was this EGO that took control over me and since I had no desire for POWER (most of us use our ego for money, fame, power, etc) or anything of that sort, this EGO resulted in my self pity. Cause my consciousness wanted to be pure and my EGO never allowed it and thus caused my suffering and misery. See, how this EGO works. See how it is EVIL. This EGO is not our true nature.

Yet, in spite of my understanding, I have not got rid of my EGO totally but it doesn't control me anymore. Since I live in society, I cannot get rid of my EGO fully. I need it to sustain me. But I command it now and it acts on my will. To totally get rid of my ego, I got to cut off from society and meditate in the hills and then probably, 100% of the EGO will disappear and I will attain super consciousness. However in today's world, it is not possible. So the EGO is very much needed but it should be kept under check.

So what is the opposite of EGO? It is the SOUL. Besides ego residing in the body and mind, there happens to be the SOUL also. This is OUR TRUE NATURE. This SOUL is the son of GOD. This SOUL can be described as eternal (indestructible), all pervading, stable, immovable, ancient, unmanifest, unthinkable and unchangeable. This SOUL has no FEAR, it is PURE joy and love. To discover this part of you, the point of reference has to be the SELF and not OBJECTS. This SELF is connected to NATURE and all its intelligence can be harnessed. This SOUL does not judge and thinks of no one to be below it and no one above it and is humble and wise. This soul results in rational decision making and knows the right action that needs to be taken. This SOUL can DISCRIMINATE between RIGHT and WRONG and according to the situation bases it's ACTIONS. This SOUL is closely connected to GOD. This SOUL makes life purposeful, joyful etc etc. This soul recognizes people as it's same and shares an unique bond with everyone. I still have a lot to understand about the SOUL but I have discovered it to a certain extent. I have noticed that I actually create my own reality and this reality is my creation and not due to circumstances of the outside world. This is the POWER of the SOUL. To discover this SELF, get rid of your EGO and especially emotions such as greed, anger, jealousy, hatred, power (ego based) etc. These emotions can also be controlled by us as we have the power to choose our thoughts and not the other way around. Most of the time, our thoughts are not within our control but they very well can be. This my friends, is the SOUL and my life has changed the day, I opened communication with it. I sometimes feel my soul is talking back to me. If there is a question which puzzles me, I ask and I get an answer. Whew!!!!! Total nonsense, ain't it.

Okay, hope some of you have made it this far. This is my last paragraph. Everyone of you know about the Mahabharata. This Mahabharata has a deep allegorical significance which very few are aware of. Mahabharata represents the battle between good and the evil and in other words, SOUL and the EGO. The Kauravas born to the blind king Dritharashtra (when the mind is born, it is born BLIND) and represnts all earthly desires and the whole clan is represented by greed, power, jealousy, anger, hatred etc. The Kauravas represent the EGO. The Pandavas on the other hand represent the SOUL. Now the Bhagavad-Gita (a must read), explains the full significance of the Mahabharata and gives it the much needed meaning. Now, the battle is inevitable between Pandavas and Kauravas. Arjuna with Lord Krishna as his charioteer gears up for battle. However Arjuna, seeing his brothers and his guru Drona on the other side suddenly loses his will to fight, he suddenly realizes that he has to kill and that also those who he grew up with. His mind goes into turmoil and goes into a complete neurotic state. He loses his judgement, finds everything meaningless and thus indulges in SELF PITY and drops his weapons. Now seeing Arjuna's pitiable condition, Lord Krishna starts his dialogue with him and speaks words of WISDOM. He realized that Arjuna's EGO has got the better of him and slowly hymn after hymn, he makes Arjuna realize his TRUE SELF. The Bhagavad-Gita is a wonderful book and I recommend it.

Enough of the soul and ego. Well, I enjoyed writing. Those who have made it this far, thanks a lot for reading, really appreciate it. Take care and may God bless you.